Anonymous asked: You have not been on! I thought you died! Too bad!
dang, aren’t you lovely; I’d love to delete my blog but I’ve had it for almost 9 years and I’d miss it a lot…you’ve made me reconsider, I should probably delete it now. Peace out.
i got intrigued seeing a show on ID that featured the murder of Chuck Palahniuk’s father Fred, and his girlfriend Donna Fontaine - I dont have anyone to tell so I decided to write it here where no one else will hear/see it
I don’t know why I’m writing this or why I’m wasting my time doing so. Maybe I’m just trying to get this out since I don’t have anyone to talk to in real life; but it ain’t like anyone online is eager or wants to really talk to me (not shaming or blaming anybody, I’m only stating how boring I know I am and how dreadful it was having to message me).
My blog hasn’t been super active like it used to be, and that’s mainly because I have gotten tired of tumblr and the whole family friendly version its supposed to become. I guess that’s my excuse: Blame it on the random adult themed blogs being deleted and me being boring and losing contact with the few people that I had so much love and respect for (I hops they’re happy and healthy and feel better, I miss them all so much, I never had a few people care about me in the past 8 years like here on tumblr).
Anyway, I just wanted to write down how sad and nostalgic I’m feeling and how badly I wish I could go back a couple of years and relive all the good stuff I felt and had with the few friends I made on here - most have disappeared, but still, they were great people who made me feel like I kinda mattered, even through a dumb blog site. Listening to Fall Out Boy’s Alpha Dog and “From Now On We’re Enemies” made me mad emotional and I’m crying like a big baby, cuz I would listen to these 2 songs when I felt (like what I believed at the time) like complete garbage, and it made me feel like I mattered a little again, but I know that it isn’t true nor will it ever be, so that bummed me out and made me sad.
Things in my real life are getting worse by the day and I’m not quite sure how much longer I can bury it; all I’ve done is all of the wrong things and have so many people yell at me for things I didn’t do right or things I did, believing I was helping, but really I just fucked things up and have everyone who comes in contact with me, angry. I don’t talk to anyone anymore, I really just talk to myself out loud and I don’t know why because I hate my voice and speaking as much as I hate being alive - the holidays sucked, everyone got mad because I didn’t leave the house and I didn’t buy any presents for anybody, which I couldn’t because I can’t work - I’ve been sleeping almost 20 hour days because I can and alprazolam - and that’s it, I don’t have anything going on, I’m really just waiting to die now; suicide is ideal, but I’m too much of a coward and have nowhere to do it without being found, that sucks.
The recent thing in this wonderful new year was hearing my little “sister” aka cunt the cum dumpster, laugh at me with her coked out friends about me having my phone shut off and how I’m wasting money on “stupid fucking toys!” and I quote, “since no one even wants to fucking text her crazy ass!” Yeah, heading that and strangers laugh at me made me feel real good. It was lovely, being insulted by a tinder whore who sucks dick for a Grand Slam at iHop.
Anyway, I only wanted to write that I’m unfortunately not dead yet, just my blog is. It’s not like anyone is frantically searching here for me or anything. I got 2 anonymous messages asking, and hoping, whether or not I’m dead yet. No, not dead, wish I was, but I’m not, I’m just on YouTube watching videos and doing surveys for some money to pay off my credit cards - which is fucking insane, I forgot how much I spent on Christmas and birthdays when I had a job - I went stupid wanting to get good stuff for everybody (eh, which they hated; I such at giving gifts even though for some idiotic reason I like giving gifts). But yeah…that’s it. Blog is dead but I ain’t, I’ll probably pop in sometimes…
This was stupid, sorry
Having depression and anxiety is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure, but no urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socializing. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It feels everything at once so it’s like you numb.
You don’t get it, it’s not easy for me to explain, but I’m not trying to be lazy, it’s just that I’m so fucking tired, I have no motivation to succeed and I don’t even know why this life is happening to me
On July 22, 1991, Tracy Edwards managed to escape by punching Dahmer in the face and running from his apartment, after Dahmer promised him $100 to pose for nude photos. Believing Jeffrey was a nice guy, he went with him to his apartment.
